June 7, 2011

On PR's "Potion Of Get-The-Fuck-Out"

(This was amusing enough that I thought I'd share. Sorry for my long-windedness.)

Normally, I'm never one to assign mystical causes to mundane events; in my teenage years I saw one too many fluffy-bunny (is that term not PC anymore? I can't keep up) running around blaming curses, evil spirits, "bad energy" and the like for their marital troubles, failing occult shop, general clumsiness, seasonal allergies (seriously), and whole hosts of other problems. I learned young that most of the shit that happens in your life is simply a product of you not having your shit together. Perhaps this is one of the reason's I'm so attracted to Jason's Strategic Sorcery approach.

The side-effect of growing up in this frame of mind is that for a long time I completely overlooked the benefits of cleansing and blessing my living spaces on a regular basis, particularly those practices that required my lazy ass to actually get on my hands and knees and scrub down the floor/baseboards (Here I'd normally link to a host of bloggers who would berate me for this, but fuck if I can find the links I want when I need them). This was all well and good for me until recently, when I found myself in an emotionally compromised state, when, as they say, it all came crashing down around my ears.

First, I fell ill with the worst viral infection I've ever had in my life. Now, I'm very good with pain, I have a relatively strong immune system, and I can usually self-medicate rough illnesses into submission (I would hope so, being in a pharmacy Ph.D. program). So to say that for two weeks I was repeatedly brought down to crying in bed like a little girl and literally crawling my way to the kitchen to feed myself honestly hurts my pride a bit. I had enough blood-tests done to make my arms look like those of an addict, with no definitive results.

When I finally crawled my way back into the light of the outside world, I found myself in the odd position of what I can only describe as carrying a bubble of irrationality with me. Perfectly happy, chatty, rational, long-time friends would turn into testy, illogical minefields when I'd stay in a room with them for any length of time. Trying to get school paperwork done, in an office of what are usually very helpful and understanding people, became a nightmare of red tape and being brushed off outright. Professors only accommodated my makeup work because I pushed them up against university rules. Etc, etc.

While I was still trying to figure out what the fuck was going on, spiders. I'm not shitting you. Tiny newborn spiders invaded my apartment by the hundreds.

Which made falling ill for a second time, only a week or so after recovering from the first, awkward. You try spraying your ceiling and sleeping on the couch while running a fever. So, in the grandest of student traditions, I retreated to good 'ol mom's house (the feverish hundred-mile interstate drive was... interesting). And wouldn't you know, not 24 hours later, I felt better. Better, I realized, than I had in months. The kind of better I sometimes felt in small doses when I left my place to...

Fucking lightbulb.

Maybe, just maybe, I let myself think, there was something more than a string of coincidences at work here. I had to clean my infested apartment out anyway, I figured, so why not come back guns-blazing with an all-out magical cleansing as well? Couldn't hurt, at any rate.

So I concocted what I've dubbed "Pallas Renatus' Potion Of Get-The-Fuck-Out". In hindsight, it's clearly overkill, as I think it also removed some of whatever it was that made the place feel "homey". It's like I've just moved into the apartment again. Better than the alternative, though. So with that in mind, here's what I made, in case anyone else finds themselves in need of the materia-magic equivalent of a nuclear warhead:

Yes, that says "For research purposes". Story for a later date.

Find yourself a tin of chewing tobacco. I suggest some sort of mint flavor, to offset the ungodly smell of what you're about to do next, but it doesn't really matter.

Smells as bad as it looks, trust me

Throw the whole tin of it in a pot with about two cups of water and bring it to a boil, then turn down and let simmer for half an hour or so. Opening windows is suggested. Spiders hate this shit; besides poisoning the ones that are directly exposed to it, even a tiny amount of residue will keep them from coming back.

Thrifty magicians have no shame about reusing old sauce jars.

Strain into something reusable. I didn't realize it at the time, but so little of this stuff is needed that one concoction will last you for years... or divide nicely into tiny bottles to sell :-)

I prefer lemon. Just don't use anything labeled "soapy".

Add a splash of ammonia. A tablespoon or so is all that's necessary for spiritual purposes, but if I had been smart, I would have done a room-temperature extraction of the tobacco overnight in a cup or so of straight household ammonia, then diluted it by half with water, if only to avoid the smell. Lesson learned.

I found this lovely cubed form in the "ethnic hair products"
section of my local pharmacy. Go figure.

While the solution is still hot, add some powdered camphor. Save a bit of it to burn later. The camphor won't dissolve completely, but give it a good stir to get it dispersed evenly. I advise against closing the bottle of hot liquid and shaking. Try it and find out why.

Open all your windows, light up a bit of the camphor you saved, invoke whatever kick-ass guardian/warrior spirit you like (I used Michael), belt out a general license to depart, and get to work scrubbing down every floorboard, door-frame, and window-frame in the house, as well as where the ceiling meets the walls. A few drops on a wet sponge is all you will need if you don't want to stain your woodwork green or have to go over everything a second time with a clean sponge.

Take some time when you're done to invoke a few choice higher beings and generally bless the living space. I'd wait a good day or so before re-inviting any familiars, land-spirits, or other spirits on the more visceral end of the scale in, as the camphor will be unpleasant at best for them.

As I mentioned before, all this was probably a bit overkill. The "familiar" feeling of my home of two years was suddenly gone, and took several weeks to reestablish itself. But on the other hand, everything I mentioned above disappeared or resolved almost overnight. Even a lot of the paperwork I mentioned above got pushed through the next day without my intervention.

Moral of the story? Banish your shit.

Edit: If anyone wants a little 1/2 oz. vial of this stuff, you know, for those "just in case" moments that crop up a little too often, shoot me an email (link in my profile) and I'll mail some out to you for free. Lord knows I have more than I'll ever need or use.


  1. amen. placing this safely for use as needed.

  2. "I advise against closing the bottle of hot liquid and shaking. Try it and find out why." That must have been the part that got RO spluttering in his cube. I just turned a few co-workers' heads when it suddenly guffawed.

    Sounds like nasty shit. Beats the hell out of boiling some pine needles and adding an ounce of your own piss. That's my formula. But I ain't never had the "plague of spiders", so I'll keep this formula on file.

  3. I guffawed. I should reread before hitting "publish."

  4. Maybe I should spray some of that shit in my office. There are some spirits here that deserve to be banished. :-)

  5. I really dig this! My question is always though what do you do when you have wall to wall carpeting?

  6. Pallas, this post alone has left me wondering why the hell I hadn't checked your blog out before now! Very nice!

    @Deborah: I know your question was directed at PR, but I thought I'd throw my $0.02 in. I have wall-to-wall carpeting as well, and one thing I usually do about it when it comes to spiritual cleansing is to put some of the cleansing stuff into a spray bottle. I use it to spritz the carpets, and then I vacuum.

  7. @ Ocean - Usually that's what I would think too but in the case of something strong like this, I think it would stain the carpets. :) Sometimes something strong like this is needed though and I'm chewing on a work around but haven't figured anything out yet.

  8. @Scrib: I actually learned that lesson in organic chemistry lab one year when a solid glass stopper rocketed off my flask and embedded itself in the ceiling... And I should clarify, the nastiness is mostly in the boiling, it's really not all that bad once it's cool :-) Glad you enjoyed the post.

    @Deb: My apartment is actually completely carpeted except for the bathrooms and kitchen. In this case I just went for a very thorough vacuuming and focused on all the "creases" of the room, since this is where the majority of of the spiders were hanging out, but the stuff doesn't smell so bad that a few drops in a bottle of blessed water would stink up the place. Despite my jokes, this is a useful tool, one just has to be mindful of proper dilution :-)

    @Ocean: Welcome! Glad you liked it!

    @Ali: Thanks!

    And about something R.O. mentioned, tobacco extract in this dilution is relatively safe, just handle it as you would bleach. Just don't try boiling it down or "concentrating" it, because you'll end up with a difficult-to-use sticky gum that *will* carry the potential for something stupid to happen. Nicotine poisoning really isn't the way to go (I have no problem inflicting horrible nicotine-based deaths on plaguespiders, however).

  9. First of all, I'm really sorry that not only have you been dealing with negativity that you "seem" to be blaming yourself about and banish those thoughts and judgments ; ) but also the day to day pests that seem to overtake us at times. I've had armies of ants just overwhelming my house and I found a natural insect spray but I really like your "Get the Fuck Out" ritual and item. And on the other hand, nothing is completely of the shadow as I had to learn about ants. If you look at the "medicine" energy of any animal they're there as messengers. When I read about your spiders I thought of the N. American "Grandmother Spider" who weaves us all into the magic web of life. You could always light a candle and put some blue corn in a small jar on an altar, and ask her what she's trying to tell you and then once you intuitively receive a message, thank her and ask her that no more of her children come crawling into your abode.

    I learned that the ants (which I cannot, cannot stand) represented all the business that goes on in my head and that they were there to tell me to slow down and stop over thinking.

    And then Hestia might be called upon for the safe and warm sanctuary you live in with her blessings or Brigid or some other "domestic" being that feels right to you.

  10. Love it! Too Funny BUT it drove home a very good point!!! BTW, After You clean, it's always a good idea to add a bit of sweetness...
    Hope Your Space remains clean!

  11. Now this I have to try....... May I invoke Hestia rather than Michael?

  12. @kerrdelune: I've never worked with Hestia, but if she has a protective/wrathful aspect I don't see why not. I would definitely consider her for the post-cleaning blessings, however, as Wendy mentioned.

    @all: If anyone wants a little 1/2 oz. vial of this stuff (more than enough to do your entire house with), shoot me an email (link in my profile) and I'll ship some out to you for free. Lord knows I'll never need to use the amount I've created.

  13. Wow. Will have to try this, I have a spider issue myself.

  14. "Pallas Renatus' Potion Of Get-The-Fuck-Out"...

    is this patented? :) Love it! except I try to be nice to spiders because they are a totem of Thoth, however when it comes to wolf spiders or black-widow, Thoth and I have an agreement that they will join the afterlife just a little sooner than the rest.

  15. One question that my husband brought up while I was looking at the ingredients list: Will the boiling of the tobacco have an adverse effect on our two cats?

  16. @FSO: Haha, it probably should be! I try to be nice to my local spiders as well; there are some beautiful (and huge) ones outside that keep the biting insects at bay. But I draw the line at sharing a bed with a hundred of their offspring. Blech.

    @MKA: It smells bad, but the odor itself really isn't harmful (but still, open a window). As long as the cats don't try drinking the stuff (keep it in a jar and handle it like any other cleaner) they should be fine. If you're really worried about it, try the overnight-infusion method I mentioned; it should have a similar effect without creating a smell.

  17. if you have one of your 1/2 ounce bottles left, i would appreciate one. tried to get your email from your profile, but it requires some sort of link this laptop refuses to acknowledge.

  18. @Peto: Weird about the link. Email is my full name (as one word) at gmail.com, no spaces or punctuation or anything. (Last time I posted an email address in a blogger comment the spambots were on me like jackals; won't make that mistake twice, lol!)

  19. I love your potion name! I agree that sometimes you have to bring out the big guns. Especially when you were in such poor health. Glad to hear it worked, and your friendly resident energies returned!

  20. "Banish your shit"-I LOVE THIS! I laughed so hard, but it's so true.

    I hope you don't mind, but I plan to follow and link you. What I've read of your blog so far, I like. :)

  21. @Rue: Thanks!

    @Deb: Glad to hear my ghetto packaging worked out; enjoy!

    @hellsmedic: I've found that when it comes to occultism, if it makes you laugh your ass off and still rings true, it's probably advice worth taking. Still, took me a while to pick up on this one =p

  22. Spiders, man. I tried to think of something profound, or insightful, or possibly even just lucid... but man... SPIDERS, man.

  23. Yeah, I'm totally late to the party, will this shit help with a plague of flies as well? And is it pet safe? And exactly how does one get up the energy to *do* all that work, when the place is dragging you down so bad you are sleeping 10-12 hours (as opposed to my normal 6-7) and can barely be bothered to shift my lazy ass from the bed to the computer?